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Famous Quotes - October 2006

A Priest and a Rabbi Walk Into a Bar...

October 30th 2006 10:02
“A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"” - Unknown

There are a countless number of these jokes around, and always featuring some distinct personality, nationality or occupation stemmed from stereotypes. It’s always the case of the dumb blonde or the clueless Irishman. I don’t really know of the trend with clergymen though. You see heaps of jokes about priests, monks and rabbis but what generalisation are these jokes trying to make?


Here’s one I found about the stupidity of a priest:

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash. They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck. But since both of them are men of god, they began to talk. The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way. The monk says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident. So, they decide to celebrate. The priest ends up drinking almost all of the wine. And just as there's about a drink left in the whole bottle, the priest asks the rabbi if he would like a drink. The monk shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive."



I never thought priests were seen as stupid. Whilst doing some research on priest jokes all I found was that their sermons are boring. But I think that’s just the way life is. If you’re really interested in going to church, you’d probably find sermons enlightening but if you’re just a kid whose forced to be there and really couldn’t give a toss, than you’re bound to be bored!


Image in Public Domain
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“Hickory, dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.” – Unknown

Didn’t you just love those old nursery rhymes we learned when we were little? The weird thing is, you repeated them so often they’re just drilled into your brain! Could you recite Eency Weency Spider, The Ants Go Marching One By One, or Hey Diddle Diddle, The Cat and the Fiddle?

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Peter Griffin: “Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.”

Peter’s so dumb that he can’t even describe something that could happen to others without referring to himself directly! It’s ‘their own VCRs’ but spilling gravy ‘all over myself’. This joke is so funny because it’s just slotted in to the quote subtly.

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Sydney Traffic and Country Cows

October 25th 2006 23:24
“Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.” - Anonymous Traffic Report

Ahh, you gotta love traffic! One of the few advantages of living in a country town is that traffic just doesn’t exist. The worst traffic jam we ever had was this one time when we had to wait behind the car in front as a cow slowly walked across the road. It was the talk of the town, live reports flooded in on the radio and it was the top story on the evening news.

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“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” – Unknown

I’ve long wanted to know just how to explain the fact that we tell the truth and say exactly what we are thinking when we are drunk due to our losing of Inhibitions, but are a thousand times more reserved and tactful when sober. But now, ‘unknown’ states it perfectly in nine words. “A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.” We think things when we are sober that we would never say (or do) yet these thoughts and actions are materialised after we’ve hit the bar.

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Happiness is like Peeing Yourself...

October 24th 2006 05:00
“Happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only u can feel its warmth!” – Unknown

Ok, this is a very gross quote but I just had to put it up! Who would ever have thought a one-liner could compare happiness to peeing yourself? But if happiness is like peeing yourself, why is it so much harder to come by? I mean, if we wanted instant warmth from our urinary tract we could quickly decide to let our bladder loose and soak ourselves wet in pee (if you’re that much of a nutcase). But happiness is much harder to obtain; it’s not just about thinking for a split-second and releasing a bodily fluid, we must earn happiness – through friends, lovers, perseverance and other hard-to-manage obstacles.

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Stupid Warning Labels

October 23rd 2006 04:14
“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.” – Batman costume warning label

Ahhh.. you gotta love stupid warning labels. Although, this one may not be so stupid. When you were a kid, did you think it was possible to fly in a superhero’s cape? Well I certainly thought it was! I also thought it was possible to float down from the roof with an umbrella opened up – just like in Mary Poppins. When I was 8 my Dad crushed my dreams by saying I was too heavy to be supported by the little bit of air under the umbrella. That was a sad day...

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You Can’t Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too” essentially means you can’t have one thing without the expense of another, or to want something more than you can handle. For example: if a man was to work so hard to pay for his expensive house, resulting in him not actually being home and using it very often, then one could say "Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too."

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A League of Their Own

October 17th 2006 23:00
A League of Their Own

Ernie Capadino: Ow. Doesn't that hurt them?

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What Do You Say to

October 17th 2006 08:26
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." - Bert Leston Taylor

Oh don’t you love the whole “Hi, how are you?” greeting? It’s so redundant but important in case the responder is in horrific strife. Because, who doesn’t mutter something like a humble, “Good thanks, how are you?” unless you really do have big issues?

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Homer Simpson: Great Quotes

October 12th 2006 23:04
"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.” – Homer Simpson

Ahhh… Homer, you’re so dense! It case you wanted to know something more about weasels: (apart from the fact that weasels are associated with devious human characters). Most weasels feed on small mammals, and were once considered vermin since some species took poultry from farms, or rabbits from commercial warrens. Some species of weasel have been reported to perform a "hypnotic dance" in front of prey, which appears to mesmerize it. Pretty cool eh?

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"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese” – Unknown

Hahaha! Classic quote. What I’d like to discuss in relation to this quote, is in what situation are you the bird (first in, best dressed) and when are you the mouse?

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Not Valuing Sister's Opinions...

October 10th 2006 05:33
"I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision." – Unknown

This quote is so applicable to me! Every time I’m having a conversation with my mum about something (usually private) my sister just has to chime in and voice her stupid opinion. She has a habit of sticking her stupid nose in even after I say “This is none of you business, bugger off!”

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"Pound for pound, the AMOEBA is the most vicious animal on earth!" – Unknown

Ewww… microbes. Amoeba is a genus of protozoa and contrary to the above quote, does not belong to the animal kingdom, but to the Protista kingdom. Although amoebas have a simple form, they are very successful organisms and are found abundantly in many habitats all over the world. Amoebas live in freshwater, the oceans, and in the upper layers of the soil. A lot of them live like parasites on the body surfaces of ocean animals or in the internal organs of both aquatic and terrestrial animals.

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1/4 of Americans Have Mental Illness

October 6th 2006 04:48
“The statistics on sanity are that one in every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of three of your best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.” - Rita Mae Brown

Rita Mae Brown is an American writer and social activist. She has done screenwriting, written novels and poetry. She has been quoted to say “I became a lesbian because of women, because women are beautiful, strong and compassionate”. But she had gone too far with her lesbianism, for in the early 70s, she became a founding member of ‘The Furies’, a lesbian feminist newspaper which believed heterosexuality was the root of all oppression.

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What’s another word for Thesaurus?

October 6th 2006 00:10
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright

Steven Wright is an American comedian with a slow, deadpan personality. His jokes are ironic, witty and philosophical and he never cracks a smile! You can watch some of his videos here at his website. According to Wikipedia, in a 2005 poll to find ‘The Comedian's Comedian’, he was voted amongst the top 50 comedy acts ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He was named #23 on Comedy Central's list of the 100 greatest standups of all time.

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"This fellow here, over here with the yellow shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great... Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia." - Sen. George Allen

George is a Republican United States Senator from Virginia. He is running for re-election in 2006 and has been mentioned as a possible candidate for the Republican nomination in the 2008 Presidential election. Such an important man shouldn’t be so racist.

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"If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well." – Martin Luther King, Jr.

The most famous leader of the American civil rights movement gave many profound quotes like this one, and his most well-known; “I Have a Dream” speech. He finished up this address with;

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Cindy Crawford Poor? And Bisexual?

October 2nd 2006 04:09
MATURE CONTENT
   


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