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Famous Quotes - June 2006

How to Get Rid of Men all Weekend

June 30th 2006 06:24
“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend." - Zenna Schaffer

Does anybody know who Zenna Shaffer is? If you do, you know more than I. This quote makes a mockery of another quote “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime". There are other ‘improvements’ of this original quote at Ross Nordeen’s website. To have a bit of fun and take this quote literally; I’m guessing Zeena is a woman, and this quote aims to ridicule men. But I don’t agree with it.

Do you really want to get rid of him all weekend?

Maybe I’m still too young and naive but I think it’d totally suck getting rid of men all weekend. What would there be to do? No snuggling Saturday night dinners by the fire, warming bottles of red with peaches for dessert, and most of all – no hanky panky, all weekend!

Well some women out there might like the idea of having a break from the man but I sure as hell won’t vote for it! Zenna Schaffer, whoever you are, you’re a nut!

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Scotland and Billy Connolly

June 29th 2006 02:51
“Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'”
-- Billy Connolly
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Bill Maher - Bush and Tickle Me Elmo

June 28th 2006 01:01
"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo."
-- Bill Maher
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Clint Eastwood and Gun Control

June 27th 2006 04:22
“I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it.” - Clint Eastwood (from Pink Cadillac, 1989 - John Eskow)

This quote is funny because it’s unfortunately true. People that own guns do so because they want to be in control. If you ask me, I think it is a tragedy that the stupid things were ever invented. I heard a quote once that goes somewhere along the lines of “Humans are the only beings ever existed that have the means to totally wipe themselves out” – and that we are slowly doing, through pains like war, nuclear weapons, CFC’s and fast food.
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Channel Surfing and the Remote Control

June 26th 2006 01:59
Kid to his Dad as they watch TV: "Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to walk all the way across the room to change a channel." - Anonymous

This is a funny one. You sort of expect the kid to ask his Dad about when he was young how he had to walk all the way to school or something. But the joke is that nowadays everything is so handy that we don’t even have to walk the short distance to the TV anymore, totally cutting out any sort of exercise for couch potatoes.
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George Carlin - Uni Exams and Judgment Day

June 23rd 2006 07:08
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.” - George Carlin

This is a great quote! Just what all us uni students need in the exam period! While we’re on the topic, I’d just like to ask you all… who actually doesn’t cram for exams? I mean, we’re only given like a week to study, and if you’re unfortunate enough as I was this semester, you could have all 3 of your exams within 2 consecutive days of the first exam week!
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Henry Youngman and Drinking

June 22nd 2006 00:01
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henry Youngman
Just relax...

Henny Youngman was an American comedian and violinist who died in 1998. He was famous for "one-liners" such as “The patient says ‘Doctor, it hurts when I do this.’ ‘Then don't do that!’" – as well as - “There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”
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Sam Walton, Business and Sizzler

June 20th 2006 22:04
“There is only one boss. The customer. And he can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down, simply by spending his money somewhere else” – Sam Walton

The author of this quote died in 1992, and was the founder of two American retailers, Wal-Mart and Sam's Club. He was the patriarch of the Walton family, the richest family in the world. Wal-Mart eventually became the world's largest retailer. In 2004, more than 1.5 million worked for the Wal-Mart corporation.
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Psychosomatic Lord Chesterfield

June 19th 2006 22:53
“I find, by experience, that the mind and the body are more than married, for they are most intimately united; and when one suffers, the other sympathizes.”
~ Lord Chesterfield - [Mind]
Psychosomatic illness relates the Mind and the Body
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The Boy who cried Wolf

June 18th 2006 23:14
“A shepherd-boy, who watched a flock of sheep near a village, brought out the villagers three or four times by crying out, "Wolf! Wolf!" and when his neighbors came to help him, laughed at them for their pains. The Wolf, however, did truly come at last. The Shepherd-boy, now really alarmed, shouted in an agony of terror: "Pray, do come and help me; the Wolf is killing the sheep"; but no one paid any heed to his cries, nor rendered any assistance. The Wolf, having no cause of fear, at his leisure lacerated or destroyed the whole flock.” - Aesop

Wolf! Wolf!
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Woddy Allen and Space is Finite

June 16th 2006 00:07
“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.” Woody Allen
Isn't the universe expanding Woody?

Well thank God for that! I’m glad that if I lose something, I’ll eventually be able to find it because ‘according to modern astronomers, space is finite’ – but what age did these ‘modern astronomers’ actually live in?
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Books and Floppy Disks

June 15th 2006 01:08
"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.” Sam Ewing

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that this quote must have been said in the age of floppy disks. According to Wikipedia, the 5¼ inch disks had been superseded by the 3½ inches by the end of the 1980’s, but I remember using them at Primary school in the early 1990’s to play Space Invaders and Carmen San Diego! Although I was living in an out-dated country town at the time… Back in those days it was these disks that were threatening to take the place of books, but nowadays a much more dominant threat has arisen – the internet.
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Jerry Seinfield & Public Speaking

June 14th 2006 01:33
FUNNY QUOTE

“A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.” - Jerry Seinfield
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Bernard Meltzer - Make The Most of Your Talents

June 13th 2006 23:06
“Use those talents you have. You will make it. You will give joy to the world. Take this tip from nature: The woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except those who sang best.” - Bernard Meltzer

Bernard Meltzer (born 1917, died March 25, 1998) was a United States radio host for several decades. His long-running advice call-in show was called "What's Your Problem?".
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Remy De Gourmont and The Human Mind

June 12th 2006 08:14
“The human mind is so complex and things are so tangled up with each other that, to explain a blade of straw, one would have to take to pieces an entire universe. A definition is a sack of flour compressed into a thimble.”
- Remy De Gourmont
Is it necessary to completely define a blade of straw?
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Oliver Herford quote - A Woman's Mind...

June 9th 2006 00:36
“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” - Oliver Herford

Hahaha! Ok, ok, I’m going to take this literally and agree with the fact that women are a clean gender (all that grooming and pampering is the reason why we spend ages longer getting ready for an outing than men!) – but I don’t think we have a habit of changing our mind any more often than men. We may think things through, (what some call, ‘procrastinate’) but that’s just being sensible.
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The World is Run by C Students.”

June 8th 2006 06:34
“The world is run by C students.” - Anonymous

Anyone ever heard of the phrase, ‘P’s make degrees’? (P’s as in Passes). This is very similar. The point is - all we need is a pass at uni, i.e. obtain a satisfactory mark and we can get through our tertiary education just like everyone else. Of course, to get into uni nowadays we need an amazing UAI score, but the quote implies that once we’re in we can become average Joe Bloes that ultimately end up running the world. But are these people entirely satisfied? I mean, if they tried a little harder and obtained better marks wouldn’t they feel more accomplished?
Harvard University - A proud American institution.
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Chungliang Al Huang - Understanding Our Bodies

June 7th 2006 00:17
“Many people treat their bodies as if they were rented from Hertz - something they are using to get around in but nothing they genuinely care about understanding.”
- Chungliang Al Huang

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Frederick Wilcox and Taking Risks

June 6th 2006 00:00
“Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.”
- Frederick Wilcox
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Jon Gay and Arguments

June 5th 2006 05:52
“Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose”
- John Gay
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H.G. Wells and Human History

June 2nd 2006 00:25
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells

This British writer who wrote The War of the Worlds, died in 1946 just after the end of WWII. So he lived
H.G. Wells in 1943
his last years during the catastrophe of the war which became a major point in history.
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Do it now. Then it's done.

June 1st 2006 00:00
“Do it now. Then it's done.” - Anonymous

This clear and simple quote should be recognised more often. We all know that some things we have to do are a huge pain (e.g. applying for Youth Allowance, enrolling at uni, cleaning the shower, etc), but to put it bluntly – once you do it it’s done. No more procrastinating, worrying, beating around the bush. You can forget about it because it’s done.
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